Days like today are bittersweet, we had a laid-back Sunday, nothing incredibly pressing to take care of (other than a graduate project I'm still not done with that's due Friday), a little grocery shopping, some cleaning, a few added errands, and deciding we need to redo the shelves in the one kitchen cabinet because a canned item busted at some point and molded...gross...I know, but we never really used anything on that shelf, and so it happens, but anyway. We picked up and dropped off the littles as our usual routine, and throughout the day I've looked on Facebook and then decided to look at my memories to see this photo...
And then comes the bitterness, resentment, anger, self-hate, doubt, jealousy, and well just about every negative emotion one can feel. It was tearing me apart. My Nessa, the little girl that only lived and breathed inside me. The little girl I didn't know existed until she died. The child that made me a mother for the very first time. I wish I could say she was beautiful, that I remember every bit of her that night...but I can't. I was alone, scared, frustrated, destroyed, and wanted to run away from it all...and I did for over a decade, because I never believed life would bring me back to her father (who is now my husband), and would it even matter to him...when it was such a part of the distant past. Tonight, on this Day of Hope - I share my hopes for you, our sweet friends and family navigating the waters of grief.
And then comes the bitterness, resentment, anger, self-hate, doubt, jealousy, and well just about every negative emotion one can feel. It was tearing me apart. My Nessa, the little girl that only lived and breathed inside me. The little girl I didn't know existed until she died. The child that made me a mother for the very first time. I wish I could say she was beautiful, that I remember every bit of her that night...but I can't. I was alone, scared, frustrated, destroyed, and wanted to run away from it all...and I did for over a decade, because I never believed life would bring me back to her father (who is now my husband), and would it even matter to him...when it was such a part of the distant past. Tonight, on this Day of Hope - I share my hopes for you, our sweet friends and family navigating the waters of grief.
- I hope you know that you are not alone.
- I hope you know that it is not your fault - bad things happen to everyone, death does not discriminate, it does not show mercy...stop wondering the what ifs, and look for the what nows.
- I hope you find meaning out of this tragedy...not today, probably not even tomorrow, or a year from now, but when the time is right.
- I hope you hold onto the happiest of memories by sharing them with others.
- There will be days where you won't want to get out of bed - I hope someone makes a surprise visit or calls to check on you.
- When eating is the farthest thing from your mind - I hope someone brings you a meal.
- As the to-do list grows and your motivation dwindles - I hope you find the will to keep moving forward.
- The days you are emotionally overwhelmed - I hope you have created a space just for you to feel those emotions in their fullness.
And lastly...I hope you have a tribe of women supporting you each day. If a pod of Orcas can gather together to support a grieving mother...us woman can too. The path we travel is one we must do on our own, but that does not mean others cannot walk beside us through it.
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