We learned today though, that a lot of the issues we had in the PACU and post-op recovery, were related to David's autism and the fact that "in general" child with autism tend to breathe off the anesthesia quicker than children who do not have it, but also once they are "awake" it is sensory overload to the extreme because everything comes back to them all at the same time. But even more so, we learned for fact after having the physician review the anesthesiologist report, that David was not breathing on his own for a "period of time" when he should have been and that his heart stopped as well...so much for a routine surgery right?
I knew something wasn't right, I knew something happened to my baby...and now it was confirmed. And while they do not think at this time it will or have caused any damage, I realize just how fragile even the life of my own children can be. The picture at the top, is David holding onto my hand the best he could on his chest while watching a movie. It is a moment I will never forget...it was the most calming moment of the time in the hospital.
This first part of October is always a test for me emotionally and mentally. It is something that nearly ruins my family every year...and this year was no different. I was ready to leave everything behind and go in whatever direction the wind took me. My mother died 22 years ago this past Monday, which was also the day of David's surgery...and I almost lost my son. First and foremost, I am a mother, my children ARE my job and as miserable as I can be sometimes, their needs will always come first. Without them, I would be even more lost than I already am.
While in the hospital with David and everything that he was going through and in turn I was going through, I didn't have time to do ANYTHING I thought I would be able to there. The theory was he would sleep a good bit, and he didn't. My poor kiddo didn't fall asleep until 9:30p Monday night, after being up since 4:30a (minus while he was in surgery)...and by then, I was exhausted! Even in how tired I was, I was able to stay level-headed for his sake, take care of his needs and comfort him in every way possible. He kept me calm in return.
And while there is a storm going on inside my life...the moments my children want to cuddle, love, hug and just be around mommy, are the calm, the center of who I am...and sometimes, the only reason I am still here. I don't remember having that type of bond with my own mother...to be honest, there isn't much that I do remember about her anymore. So, even more of a reason I will NOT deny my children the mother that they deserve to have in their life.
Below is one of my favorite pictures of my mother and I. Looking at myself in the picture compared to others...this would have been very close to the time she committed suicide. Either the summer before or the fall during (and assuming by the pants and all, the fall because it is cooler at the beach this time of year).
"A daughter needs a mom, because without her she will have less in her life than she deserves."