Even in the calm before the storms...there was a longing in my heart, something was missing, something I couldn't quite put my finger on and the toll of not knowing what was exactly wrong was testing my patience, my heart...my whole inner being and towards the end of the week, I was fighting back not only tears, but my about losing my ever-loving mind. Granted, we took four kids nine and under over ten hours away in a car not exactly set-up for such travels to a place they've never been before that wasn't exactly entertaining their level of energy every second of the day...pretty sure it was destined to happen somewhere along the trip. Not to mention the humidity of Georgia and the pressure headaches from thunderstorms rolling in each day we were there as well...yep definitely a recipe for me to not be so level-headed by day four.
So I got up, got dressed set-up the GPS on my phone and then woke-up enough to be oriented and down the road I went as we stayed about 20 minutes away from the beach. Not even halfway to the beach, I realized I wasn't just doing this for them...in fact I was mostly doing it for me.
Two months ago I nearly died...these moments wouldn't have happened, and honestly if I hadn't of recovered as quickly as I did (though it didn't seem quickly at the time), this trip never would have happened either. I realized since I came home from the hospital there wasn't a single day I didn't move heaven and earth for my littles, not a day I didn't stop working on the things I promised I'd do, folding laundry, cleaning up bedrooms, making new appointments for specialists, switching doctors, finding closer therapies, fixing or replacing the broken items, preparing for school to start back...every day was about them...this moment here on the beach started out as about them...and in this point in time turned to be about me.
I needed to step away from being mom for a couple of hours and recharge my batteries, feed my soul, and just reflect on where I've been, where I'm headed and how to make it all happen. It was at this moment the sun caught my face more and I looked up from the ground and saw this beautiful part of the sunrise. I am more than just a mom, a special needs mom, a mom in college, a mom running a nonprofit organization...a mom struggling just to make ends meet or to even just make sense of world. While I am all of those things...I am still me, a woman in her thirties that loves to sew, splash in puddles, dance in the rain, sing along with the radio or even Broadway showtunes on my phone while the windows are down, drink iced Chai all year long, catch snowflakes on her tongue, let the ocean waves chase me, read poetry and medical journals, prays silently with every ambulance siren, and has big dreams for her future...silly as all of that sounds. This peaceful moment reminded me of all those things...it reminded me that sometimes you just need to step away for a moment and listen to your heart's desires and see where they take you. Saturday morning they took me here...where will your's take you?