This past week was hands-down one of the best in our "little" family of six. We didn't have anywhere to be, nowhere to rush off too...just take each day as it happened, catch up with family I don't see nearly enough, and make memories. Really that is what this was all about - making new memories, making fun memories, taking a breather from the chaos of our lives and just slowing down before anything catastrophic happens again.
Even in the calm before the storms...there was a longing in my heart, something was missing, something I couldn't quite put my finger on and the toll of not knowing what was exactly wrong was testing my patience, my heart...my whole inner being and towards the end of the week, I was fighting back not only tears, but my about losing my ever-loving mind. Granted, we took four kids nine and under over ten hours away in a car not exactly set-up for such travels to a place they've never been before that wasn't exactly entertaining their level of energy every second of the day...pretty sure it was destined to happen somewhere along the trip. Not to mention the humidity of Georgia and the pressure headaches from thunderstorms rolling in each day we were there as well...yep definitely a recipe for me to not be so level-headed by day four.
Even in the calm before the storms...there was a longing in my heart, something was missing, something I couldn't quite put my finger on and the toll of not knowing what was exactly wrong was testing my patience, my heart...my whole inner being and towards the end of the week, I was fighting back not only tears, but my about losing my ever-loving mind. Granted, we took four kids nine and under over ten hours away in a car not exactly set-up for such travels to a place they've never been before that wasn't exactly entertaining their level of energy every second of the day...pretty sure it was destined to happen somewhere along the trip. Not to mention the humidity of Georgia and the pressure headaches from thunderstorms rolling in each day we were there as well...yep definitely a recipe for me to not be so level-headed by day four.
However, by the time Friday evening rolled around I made a decision that not only altered the rest of the trip, it helped save my sanity, my heart and filled that longing. The kids have never seen a sand dollar in person, we went to Folly Beach, South Carolina in hopes of finding at least one. That afternoon we spent about two hours on the beach and while we found from pretty neat shells compared to Virginia's beaches, we ended up empty-handed on the sand dollar part. I assumed early in the morning would've been a better time to come, and the thought of taking the kids back to the beach early was tempting...like hell if I was going to wake them up at 5:30am knowing all day Saturday was going to be in the car driving. So instead I offered to get up and go scope it out, even planning out the timing for sunrise because I didn't want to be there in the dark either with more storms coming through Friday night. At first I honestly did not want to be awake that early at all...but as us mom's are we do what our littles ask us to do because we want them to be happy.
So I got up, got dressed set-up the GPS on my phone and then woke-up enough to be oriented and down the road I went as we stayed about 20 minutes away from the beach. Not even halfway to the beach, I realized I wasn't just doing this for them...in fact I was mostly doing it for me.
So I got up, got dressed set-up the GPS on my phone and then woke-up enough to be oriented and down the road I went as we stayed about 20 minutes away from the beach. Not even halfway to the beach, I realized I wasn't just doing this for them...in fact I was mostly doing it for me.
A Navy brat by birth, growing up in Virginia Beach, the ocean is my home. Some say it has to do with being a Cancer and therefore being drawn to water, but really my favorite and most loved memories of early childhood all happened at the beach with my mom. In the quiet moments of the beach first thing in the morning anything can happen. One of the first things I noticed was a storm starting to roll in, the sun barely peaking through, casting just enough light for the few walking along the shore to see, but not make out the faces of anyone either...tears rolled down my face, I missed the littles and sharing this with them as I saw the pipers digging for clams between waves like in Finding Dory, which we watched together in the theaters this summer. I felt bad for not bringing them to look for the sand dollars, and yet in my tears I was so afraid if I came back empty handed again they'd feel I was a failure and didn't try hard enough to look for them. I began to look even harder for just one...even if it was a small one...I didn't want to let down their hopes for having one. The sun began to come up a little more and I started finding bigger shells and different shells than we had found Friday afternoon and just marveled at all the treasures the storm the night before had left behind for me to find this morning. A flock of pelicans flew over and I remember how excited they were in the car to see them in real life for the first time yesterday, how the day before they played laser tag for the first time ever, how they had fresh from a tree peaches for the first time ever and even learned how awesome and dangerous merry-go-rounds really are first hand...all of these memories, all of these firsts happened during this trip. Their eyes were opened to new experiences never seen before and all because we needed this break from our regular schedules and decided to take it.
Two months ago I nearly died...these moments wouldn't have happened, and honestly if I hadn't of recovered as quickly as I did (though it didn't seem quickly at the time), this trip never would have happened either. I realized since I came home from the hospital there wasn't a single day I didn't move heaven and earth for my littles, not a day I didn't stop working on the things I promised I'd do, folding laundry, cleaning up bedrooms, making new appointments for specialists, switching doctors, finding closer therapies, fixing or replacing the broken items, preparing for school to start back...every day was about them...this moment here on the beach started out as about them...and in this point in time turned to be about me.
I needed to step away from being mom for a couple of hours and recharge my batteries, feed my soul, and just reflect on where I've been, where I'm headed and how to make it all happen. It was at this moment the sun caught my face more and I looked up from the ground and saw this beautiful part of the sunrise. I am more than just a mom, a special needs mom, a mom in college, a mom running a nonprofit organization...a mom struggling just to make ends meet or to even just make sense of world. While I am all of those things...I am still me, a woman in her thirties that loves to sew, splash in puddles, dance in the rain, sing along with the radio or even Broadway showtunes on my phone while the windows are down, drink iced Chai all year long, catch snowflakes on her tongue, let the ocean waves chase me, read poetry and medical journals, prays silently with every ambulance siren, and has big dreams for her future...silly as all of that sounds. This peaceful moment reminded me of all those things...it reminded me that sometimes you just need to step away for a moment and listen to your heart's desires and see where they take you. Saturday morning they took me here...where will your's take you?
Two months ago I nearly died...these moments wouldn't have happened, and honestly if I hadn't of recovered as quickly as I did (though it didn't seem quickly at the time), this trip never would have happened either. I realized since I came home from the hospital there wasn't a single day I didn't move heaven and earth for my littles, not a day I didn't stop working on the things I promised I'd do, folding laundry, cleaning up bedrooms, making new appointments for specialists, switching doctors, finding closer therapies, fixing or replacing the broken items, preparing for school to start back...every day was about them...this moment here on the beach started out as about them...and in this point in time turned to be about me.
I needed to step away from being mom for a couple of hours and recharge my batteries, feed my soul, and just reflect on where I've been, where I'm headed and how to make it all happen. It was at this moment the sun caught my face more and I looked up from the ground and saw this beautiful part of the sunrise. I am more than just a mom, a special needs mom, a mom in college, a mom running a nonprofit organization...a mom struggling just to make ends meet or to even just make sense of world. While I am all of those things...I am still me, a woman in her thirties that loves to sew, splash in puddles, dance in the rain, sing along with the radio or even Broadway showtunes on my phone while the windows are down, drink iced Chai all year long, catch snowflakes on her tongue, let the ocean waves chase me, read poetry and medical journals, prays silently with every ambulance siren, and has big dreams for her future...silly as all of that sounds. This peaceful moment reminded me of all those things...it reminded me that sometimes you just need to step away for a moment and listen to your heart's desires and see where they take you. Saturday morning they took me here...where will your's take you?
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